Wish

Good evening. It’s a bit rainy this morning.

people said that if you make wish to the stars today, your wish will come true

If I wish for us to be happy like in the past

Would they still make it come true? Just curious

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Kazanbanai

Good evening. The weather’s starts cold and raining this morning but turn out very nicely in the afternoon

I’ve decided to start writing again since I felt relieved from so much stress after writing lol.

My first batch of radiology examination didn’t turn out well because there are so much weighing my mind right now *cry* I just hope the second batch would be better.

By the way,, I found a recording of Kashiwagi Yuki singing accousticly for radio show and the songs previewed is really good. In this video, you could hear Yukirin sings 4 song. “365 Nichi no Kamihikouki”, “Green Flash”, “Kazanbai”, “Anata to Watashi”.

But my favourite is probably Kazanbai! 365 Nichi no Kamihikouki has a very nice melody, but Kazanbai lyrics really gave a ring inside my heart. It makes me cry remembering how hard it is to live in different island, apart from my family while chasing blindly toward the future.

Sometimes I do think that “aah, I really don’t fit to be an anesthesiologist” “aaah, I’m such a stupid one, with this brain quality I’ll be just a general practitioner” while crying at night. This song perfectly describe the condition and why I couldn’t give up in the same time. I hope everyone could understand and enjoy this song’s beautiful lyric too! Here it is, Kazanbai!

Every time I encounter sad things
what I remember is
the blue skies of my hometown
and my mother’s smile
I secretly felt it all
Succeeding in
the auditions
I spoke of my dreams that day
saying “I want to go to Tokyo”
And, returning to
a pitch-dark room on my own
As I opened the
refrigerator door
I terribly became
a useless person
I wonder how many times I wept… Continue reading

Dearly ‘friend’

Good evening, we have a nice weather today in Bali that makes me wants to go out to the beach. Unfortunately I don’t have any friend to go hang out with tee hee~

In this last few months, I always think that I’m a bit abnormal in viewing love and relationship compared to “normal” person

I’ve been in ‘secret relationship’ with this person for some months. Yes, I know I have a boyfriend already.. But having a boyfriend just doesn’t makes me wants to stop to know this person more than just a friend. In the end our relationship ended up to be just a friend, because he knows that I already have a boyfriend.

This person, is a resident. We meet at prefectural hospital and maintaining good contact since then. It’s actually an embarassing experience which makes us grew to liking each other. He caught me not wearing a bra when going out to the nurse office late at night to get some data for weekly reports. (lol, I was crying that time when he found out and I hate him to death since then, but he just keep teasing me about it).

From then on, he keep inviting me to go out sometimes. And to be honest, although I hate him to death that time, I grew on liking him. It’s all because every time I go out, he always shows me something about the “normal” world that I don’t know before. For example, how to dress so I would look fabulous and not looked as nerdy as before. Or how to do a hairstyle, bag, and shoe that would match my age. He brought me to night club one time, and some times we out to the bar to get some drink late at night. It’s all really exciting and I felt like a real lady. My friend would commenting things like “You look prettier now” “Hahahaa, you wear push up bra now?! Is it because of dr xxxx? LOL!” “So your music taste is not wibu anymore, I don’t you could sing lagu kekinian and not only wibu song!” “OMG my friend is changing, thank God dr xxxx because of you my friend is not a nerdy anymore” I was… surprised, because I don’t think that I could change myself that much that even my friends who rarely noticed me started to notice me all of sudden. It’s a public secret that we’re hanging out together between the co-assisstant girls in my year, but the residents doesn’t know anything about us (they still matchmake me with another resident lol).

But as times goes on, even though I grew to like this person. This person never showed any love interest to me. I once had this feeling too, but as I see that he only view our relationship as friend or ‘dating for fun’ I stopped feeling seriously toward him. Now I would see him only as good friend for recreation purpose and talking or discussion friend.

The other things that make us are not meant to be together are our differences in religion, cultural, races, and the point of view in life. As you see, religion is the important thing in my country if you want to get married with someone. And as for cultural, he’s a Balinese. A Balinese, especially a man usually wouldn’t left the island to go following his wife even though his wife has a more promising work etc etc. Races, of course my family is a chinese, who would want to have a Tiko as their daughter’s husband especially one from different religion and has nothing compared to their family (although my family is not that rich, it’s just the pride).

More further, this person is a government scholarship receiver. So after he finished his study in the department, he would go back to the place who sent him. when I asked him will he go back to Bali, he only said “I don’t know” while laughing. I replied with a laugh too and told him that if he needs an anesthesiologist someday in his hospital he has to call me first. I too, when I’m done with my internship, I would go back to my hometown in Jakarta, and looks like I will not go back to Bali again except for holiday. So both of us decided, let’s having fun till then. Since we both still young and we are not married yet, why not taking some detour to realize things around us? Things that we don’t realize when we are in “normal mode”, and things that only discovered by mustering your courage to confront it. One time you would experience it, if it’s bad or you don’t like it then don’t do it again.

To be honest, in my life, I’m so glad that I met with this person. He makes my life in 20’s colorful. He thought me how the “normal world” goes and make me feel that I’m a part of it. He thought me that matcha and liquor are delicious (lol), and travelling is fun (this island is a holiday destination, yet if it’s not because of him I would never explore those beautiful and exciting places).

But at the same time, I felt guilty for my boyfriend. He, the one who stayed unchanging with his smile. If I compare both of them, it’s just like a firework in summer, and the sun who shine all year. He might not as cheerful and fun as this person, but he was the one to stay with me be it rain or shine. The one who saw me in the weakest point and the strongest point in life, the one who I want to be with for the rest in my life. He was just the stable type. Sometimes I do angry at him because he never show “kindness” in front of me, but deep inside I know he show it with a different way (Just show it in a normal way, dude -__-a I’m really pissed off with your tsundere personality already). Well, it’s obvious who would I choose if I have to let go one of them.

Still, I don’t what would happen from now on… Is it really wrong to having a relationship with two person at the same time…… For normal person the answer would be wrong. No matter you go, 99% of them would say that it is wrong. That is why I felt that maybe I’m abnormal? Or it’s just kind of “not satisfying sexual experience” thing in whole new level and I was not ready to let the ‘fun’ things go… Who knows. But maybe I just need a little help to stop this all. As i know that it’s wrong, but I don’t have a courage to stop it as there won’t be those fun and beautiful experience anymore… or maybe someone to stop it by force…

Do I still wish together with my boyfriend? Yes, of course… And I still dream to build a family with him…

………I think it’s maybe time to stop

I just don’t know how to stop…

help

Worst Weekend Ever

Selamat malam…

Well, not much I wanted to say today about my worst weekend since I’m dating with Mr. X….

I know I texted rude words in the afternoon, something like “You don’t have to come” or such. But in the end I said “Did I text you like that?” I think it’s enough for clue that I’m kidding and I still wanted him to come…

Actually I suffered from sore throat since yesterday and I lost my voice. It’s painful and annoying. I hope that meeting with him would help cheer me up a bit and of course I did ask him to bring some medicine.

But today… until 8 PM he didn’t show up once. Being live in some kind of dorm like this, of course in the weekend all my friends are out to eat together or goin on date with their boy/girlfriend.

I’m hungry… I really didn’t eat anything since yesterday night. Yesterday I didn’t eat since my throat was so painful that I decided to only drink hot tea and went to sleep earlier. This day since he planned to eat pizza with me as dinner, I didn’t eat anything since morning because I thought that I’ll eat a lot.

When the sky goes dark and he didn’t come after all (without giving me any text or call of course) I burst into cry so much. Since I was very hungry but still has hope for him to come, I went on myself to the small shop in front of the gang to buy my favourite tea, despite it’s raining.

Yeah, it feels so lonely… And you know? Crying with sore throat is… something. It’s painful and hard to breathe, but I can’t help it but to cry since I’m so depressed about it.

Maybe I’ll sleep earlier this night too… My body’s a bit feverish..

Medical School x Love Life = ?

Konnichiwa, minna….

I’m so depressed today, hehehee…. I got one red mark in my OSCE test so I have to repeat this station tomorrow. I got only 50 for Pathological Anatomy (cell injury and death) station, with other stations score in A region lols. This is so annoying, last time I have to repeat the block of Growth and Development because I only miss 1 point in my test score (you pass if you got minimum score 0f 70, I got 69, crap…). Now I got another remedial test and I have to cancel my plan to go back to my home in Jakarta after Growth and Development remedial…

Yesterday, I got message from my friend, telling that today there’ll be an extra lesson for those who have to repeat the OSCE test at 8 AM. So I got up and hurried to the campus, but after I arrived, my friends told me that today’s extra lesson is only for those who failed at the station of Vital Signs and Radiology…. Crap… So I went to the campus for nothing?!

In the same time, my boyfriend is in the theater room. Today he attends a ceremony with his friends from the same year and will officially become an Intern. Last time, he asked me with tears whether I would like to come and take a photo of him wearing the white coat. I already finished at around 9 AM, so I decided to wait until he’s finished with the ceremony…

….which takes time until around 1 PM….

That time I’m on panicked state because I forgot to get a laboratory coat from the seniors, so I’m on danger of being kicked out from the test tomorrow (well, all of of the seniors coat has already lent to my friends, lols).

And then he came… awwww,,, so shining so brightly with taht white coat that I want to disappear from this world >__< too cool and handsome kyaaa~

…Buuuutttt, he forgot the promise to take a photo with me.. .___. I’m kinda, how to say it… I’m annoyed and angry. I came because he asked me to come and take photo with him. But then he forgot about the photo and start panicking about his matters. Yeah, I know he got a lot of matter. But can you see that I have my own personal matter (T__T ) ?!?!?! If it’s not because of you I already gone  home earlier and started to study or searching for laboratory coat!!!

*sigh

Guess I need a little bit rest now… and started studying when I get up….

**** you…. (T___T ) =3=

It begins….

Konbanwa minna-san ^^

Today I’ve got a day off because today is a special religional holiday according to the Balinese calendar…. I forgot tho what they’re celebrate today, duh >,<

So.. I’ve just got a message from my boyfriend that he’ll be on the emergency department (if I not wrong) of Sanglah Hospital to do research around a week…. and during that period of time he get 3 days of night shift, which starts at 9 PM until 8 AM in the next day. (‘___’ )

And it’s just give me a “punch”. lols. xP I’ve just realize that it’s starting now, the days when we’ll not able to meet or see each other because of our business. A doctor will-be, clinical clerk, he will have insufficient sleep time and go home rarely. He will probably prefer going home and sleep rather then go on date or see me at my place xP hehe…

But, I already know it since the second block of the 1st semester…. the time when I’ve just realized that I like him….

“We won’t be able too see each other when he stops going to Campus and work in the hospital…”

“We can be together as long as he still doing his elective study…..”

“I don’t want Porsehipp2012 come to its end…. I still want to spend times with him…”

“So he’s ‘graduate’ already from the press community? I still want to work with you….”

Those things slip of my mind past few months ago. Hehe. But, hey… I will be busy with my campus works too that I maybe will not have time too, times fly so fast when you’re busy with your work ne? So I think the best way to handle my feeling of loneliness later is too make myself busy, helping him as much as I could…. and keep waiting for the time we work together in the hospital someday…. ^_^

Let’s do our best!

To love or to…..

Konbanwa minnasaaann…. gosh! It’s already this late neee? >__<

Aaah lately i overthink too much, and sometimes the sentences from my favourite jdorama in my school days are rebounding in my head…. Well, it’s a very good quotation ne…..

“Do you love me? Or you just want to fuck me?” – Gakko ja oshiararenai-

I guess my problem is also faced by many teenager in this world…. You see, i fell in love with this boy who then later become my boyfriend… He’s such a nice and gentle one… And it’s obvious, when you fall in love with someone,  you want him to be the last, rite? Our parents have known each other and they didn’t interfere with our relationship, which means if I have to marry with him in this short time I think they would agree with it…..

Problems, I still in my first year of medical school,means that I have about 4 years until I graduate… my boyfriend is in the 4th year, 1 year until he graduate…. It’s still a very long time for me if I want to be by his side for my entire life….

And… we, or mayb just me, got stuck…. I think I have overdone something? No, we didn’t have sex yet, but MAYBE it will happen if this continues on…if both of us couldn’t control it. Thing is that we’ve just stared our relationship around 2 month ago, such a short time ne… n in asian culture, virginity is a golden rule for all premarital women, which makes me sometimes come into fear… what will happen? I’m scared… can I trust you? I love you….

My boyfriend said to not taking it seriously whenever I talk about the future when I graduate….

Is that mean that he’s not serious into me?

Hahahahaa, hey i want to trust him…. really, i love him…. What should I do? Honestly from my experience seeing many of my friend relationship, this kind of relationship didn’t last long…. But obviously, i want us to not ended up until then. Hoping for your current bf to be the last, isn’t t normal for all girls?

I want to trust him…. but judging from what he do, can I trust him? What should I do,,,,,, heheheheheee…..

Please take care of me until the time comes, honey!

Sayonara.. Latdas!!!!

Konbanwa minna-saann~

Wah udah lama juga ga nulis blog yah… duh blog riviu teater jeketi belom dibikin lagi zzzz…… lagi pingin nulis2 aja sih..

Yak, setelah berkelahi dengan berbagai macam tugas KIH yang banyak di antaranya bikin gua berantem sama mister x juga, akhirnya tibalah hari penentuan di mana orang-orang yang pantas boleh tinggal sementara yang nggak silahkan out. Dan hari penentuan tersebut gue masih di jakarta ngeheheheheheee~ Yah gua emang ikutan latdas juga ogah2an sih.. kaya hidup segan mati tak mau. Dan akhirnya juga gue ngeliatnya kayanya gua nggak cocok di sana. Lol. Gua bukan tipe anak rajin,,, dan gua merasa apa yah…. interest gua juga kurang kegali, jadi gua mualese puol dah buat ikutan. Ditambah lagi temen gua juga agak tidak kooperatif sehingga gua jadi males parah buat ngelanjutin… Yah meskipun begitu berkat kecerewetan dari mister x akhirnya gua ikutin juga dah semuanya sampe begadang2 bikin esai mueheheheheheee~

So? Hmmmm……. ngeehhhhhhh… jadi sebelum latdas ini anak2 disuruh bayar 240k ke suryawan (koordinator calon anggota di kelas gue) n kalo misalnya nggak lulus bakal dibalikin. Yaudah pikir gua nggak ada prasyarat lain ya gua bayar lah. Eh ternyata ada syarat nilai minimal yaudalah gua pikir pasti nggak lolos…

Dan ternyata gua beneran nggak lolos lol xP

Jadi… BANZAAIII!!! Anjir gua bahagia sumpah terlepas dari beban yang menyebalkan dan sukses bikin gue berantem sama mister x. Well, emang dunia gua bukan di situ… lols… mau apa dikate xP gua juga ga berharap lebih dari absensi gua selama ini kok muehehehehehehee……

Tapi yah.. kalo dibilang sayang emang sedikit sayang  sih. How to say it…..

Ada sedikit gengsi yang melekat aja.. mungkin karena mister x. Yappari, memang dibanding dia gua bukan apa2… still, I can’t explain this to him… I am nothing. Just a stupid naughty girl who only do what she likes xP heheheheeee….. Yah mau apa dikatalah (‘___’ ) cari aja organisasi lain hehehee…. Next try is daftar di HMKU, bagian mading lagi cari “penerus” katanya mueheheheheeee……. Ayo semangat nacchi…

 

Betewe ujian blok sel gua lulus yeiii berarti bisa liburan tepat waktuu \(^_^)/

 

yeiiyeiiyeiiiI~

Jejak Awan Pesawat (Hikoukigumo)

Konnichiwa ^^

Another JKT48’s new cover song: Hikoukigumo, means “vapor trail” atau jejak awan pesawat in Indonesia… Performed yesterday in Indonesian TV Station….

And from the video I tried to write down the lyrics (‘___’ ) andd~ here we are ^^ Sorry if I make some mistakes >.< Your comments and critics are welcome~ Enjoy

Jejak Awan Pesawat

Di antara musim gugur dan dingin, kita bersama

Berniat mengambil jalan pintas

Menggunakan belokan masa depan dan kebaikan

Dan juga melupakan sang angin

 

Sayonara, kau bisikkan

Ekpresimu saat itu

Bersinar terang, tapi tak sampai

Cinta itu kan layu dan gugur

 

Jejak pesawat yang di langit

Garis putih lurus memanjang

Perasaan siapa yang masih ada

Tanpa mampu menoleh ke belakang

Jejak pesawat suatu waktu

Seperti cakar tajam menusuk

Meninggalkan bekas tipis luka baru

Dengan tatapan kosong diriku memandang

 

Kucing yang lewat entah dari mana, kita bersama

Melihat kita seperti apa

Ranting dicoreti oleh anak-anak jalanan aspal

Melangkahi semua kenangan

 

Suatu tempat, kita berdua

Mungkin kan bertemu lagi

Karena kita tetap kenangan

Terlalu banyak orang-orang

 

Cinta itu jejak pesawat

Satu gores kuas yang tipis

Ke hari kita pada dapat kembali

Dengan sedih tak dapat melangkah laju

Seperti jejak awan pesawat

Tetap sembunyikan air mata

Jauh aku letakkan tangan kanan

Dirimu yang telah meninggalkan kesedihan

 

Jejak pesawat yang di langit

Garis putih lurus memanjang

Perasaan siapa yang masih ada

Tanpa mampu menoleh ke belakang

Jejak awan pesawat cinta

Bagai mengejarnya dari belakang

Walau sedih terlambat mendengarnya

Suatu saat di langit dengan tangisan

Jejak awan pesawat

Tetap sembunyikan air mata

Jauh aku rentangkan, tangan kanan

Dirimu yang telah meninggalkan kesedihan

Wowowowowowowowowow

Aaaaaa