Good evening, we have a nice weather today in Bali that makes me wants to go out to the beach. Unfortunately I don’t have any friend to go hang out with tee hee~
In this last few months, I always think that I’m a bit abnormal in viewing love and relationship compared to “normal” person
I’ve been in ‘secret relationship’ with this person for some months. Yes, I know I have a boyfriend already.. But having a boyfriend just doesn’t makes me wants to stop to know this person more than just a friend. In the end our relationship ended up to be just a friend, because he knows that I already have a boyfriend.
This person, is a resident. We meet at prefectural hospital and maintaining good contact since then. It’s actually an embarassing experience which makes us grew to liking each other. He caught me not wearing a bra when going out to the nurse office late at night to get some data for weekly reports. (lol, I was crying that time when he found out and I hate him to death since then, but he just keep teasing me about it).
From then on, he keep inviting me to go out sometimes. And to be honest, although I hate him to death that time, I grew on liking him. It’s all because every time I go out, he always shows me something about the “normal” world that I don’t know before. For example, how to dress so I would look fabulous and not looked as nerdy as before. Or how to do a hairstyle, bag, and shoe that would match my age. He brought me to night club one time, and some times we out to the bar to get some drink late at night. It’s all really exciting and I felt like a real lady. My friend would commenting things like “You look prettier now” “Hahahaa, you wear push up bra now?! Is it because of dr xxxx? LOL!” “So your music taste is not wibu anymore, I don’t you could sing lagu kekinian and not only wibu song!” “OMG my friend is changing, thank God dr xxxx because of you my friend is not a nerdy anymore” I was… surprised, because I don’t think that I could change myself that much that even my friends who rarely noticed me started to notice me all of sudden. It’s a public secret that we’re hanging out together between the co-assisstant girls in my year, but the residents doesn’t know anything about us (they still matchmake me with another resident lol).
But as times goes on, even though I grew to like this person. This person never showed any love interest to me. I once had this feeling too, but as I see that he only view our relationship as friend or ‘dating for fun’ I stopped feeling seriously toward him. Now I would see him only as good friend for recreation purpose and talking or discussion friend.
The other things that make us are not meant to be together are our differences in religion, cultural, races, and the point of view in life. As you see, religion is the important thing in my country if you want to get married with someone. And as for cultural, he’s a Balinese. A Balinese, especially a man usually wouldn’t left the island to go following his wife even though his wife has a more promising work etc etc. Races, of course my family is a chinese, who would want to have a Tiko as their daughter’s husband especially one from different religion and has nothing compared to their family (although my family is not that rich, it’s just the pride).
More further, this person is a government scholarship receiver. So after he finished his study in the department, he would go back to the place who sent him. when I asked him will he go back to Bali, he only said “I don’t know” while laughing. I replied with a laugh too and told him that if he needs an anesthesiologist someday in his hospital he has to call me first. I too, when I’m done with my internship, I would go back to my hometown in Jakarta, and looks like I will not go back to Bali again except for holiday. So both of us decided, let’s having fun till then. Since we both still young and we are not married yet, why not taking some detour to realize things around us? Things that we don’t realize when we are in “normal mode”, and things that only discovered by mustering your courage to confront it. One time you would experience it, if it’s bad or you don’t like it then don’t do it again.
To be honest, in my life, I’m so glad that I met with this person. He makes my life in 20’s colorful. He thought me how the “normal world” goes and make me feel that I’m a part of it. He thought me that matcha and liquor are delicious (lol), and travelling is fun (this island is a holiday destination, yet if it’s not because of him I would never explore those beautiful and exciting places).
But at the same time, I felt guilty for my boyfriend. He, the one who stayed unchanging with his smile. If I compare both of them, it’s just like a firework in summer, and the sun who shine all year. He might not as cheerful and fun as this person, but he was the one to stay with me be it rain or shine. The one who saw me in the weakest point and the strongest point in life, the one who I want to be with for the rest in my life. He was just the stable type. Sometimes I do angry at him because he never show “kindness” in front of me, but deep inside I know he show it with a different way (Just show it in a normal way, dude -__-a I’m really pissed off with your tsundere personality already). Well, it’s obvious who would I choose if I have to let go one of them.
Still, I don’t what would happen from now on… Is it really wrong to having a relationship with two person at the same time…… For normal person the answer would be wrong. No matter you go, 99% of them would say that it is wrong. That is why I felt that maybe I’m abnormal? Or it’s just kind of “not satisfying sexual experience” thing in whole new level and I was not ready to let the ‘fun’ things go… Who knows. But maybe I just need a little help to stop this all. As i know that it’s wrong, but I don’t have a courage to stop it as there won’t be those fun and beautiful experience anymore… or maybe someone to stop it by force…
Do I still wish together with my boyfriend? Yes, of course… And I still dream to build a family with him…
………I think it’s maybe time to stop
I just don’t know how to stop…