Tears

Im feeling very sad today… just lost someone very dear to ne and I cant attend to her for the very last time today…

I can only pray…

My feeling is so weird right now.. i didnt know how to describe it…

Sorrt.

Selfish

To be honest, I want to be a selfish girl

To go wherever I want, to do whatever I want. Wasting money like crazy, going to town with different guy. And to choose my future path…

It’s not like I don’t have many options, but for the sake of gratitude and ‘future’ I have to choose this path.

I know I’m just a mediocre girl. My skill is so-so, I’m slow to learn, I don’t have smart brain, i really don’t fit to be there, in the place they want me to be. But my family has done so many things for me, I don’t know what should I do if I’m not following their plan. The clothes I wear, mother and father’s living wage, my brother and sister school tuition, everything come from that person. I don’t have the right to say that I do not want to be by her side because I don’t deserve it. She’s also getting old, with no husband, and having two children which still at the junior high. She needs someone to ‘inherits’ her works and to support her for now until her children comes to light.

I don’t deserve it…

I’m just a stupid monkey. I want to run away. I want to stay here, or to go to another island in the far east, building my own dynasty with my love. But that would be betraying her, not good for my children, and also not giving room to improve..

I’m okay with being mediocre without improvement, but my children and my benefactor, I cannot be selfish for the sake of them…

I’m scared. I don’t have that much courage to do this. I’m not good with people. I’m not good with pressure. I’m not good at studying. And my boyfriend doesn’t listen to me whenever I have problems…. I’m not good with emergency and life saving. I’m not good in being ambitious like the people in the capital should be.

I don’t want to go back. Can I be selfish?

Jealousy

Good evening. Lately the content of my blog seems to be depressing, huh? But compared to the past I think I grew up really much.

Today I want to talk a bit about my boy friend whom I wrote around a year ago or two. Yeah, a boy friend, not my boyfriend. This guy whom I go hangout with while talking about our love life and work life. I do once have a feeling for him but as times goes it disappears and change into “best friend to have fun with” like feeling.

It’s been a long time we’ve been together as friend and recently, he looks like getting a new girlfriend. This girl frequently called her during our ‘date’ asking have you eat etc etc like normal girlfriend should be. But when I asked about it he told me that they’re not officially dating like no one between them asking to be “official”. I kinda understand it, tho since they’re both older than me. When you hit 30++ sometimes the way you’re dating is just like that.

But to be honest I feel lonely whenever this girl chats or calls him. Maybe it’s jealousy? Maybe it’s just me that afraid he will ditch me after getting a girlfriend. Thinking about how he will marry with that girl, somehow it feels really lonely for me. In the future, will I have a friend like you again? Will you remember me in the future days?

You may call me a thot for wanting a man eventhough I already have a partner myself. But just for some days, can’t I feel jealousy? Can’t I feel lonely? We’re not meant to be together, and for sure someday we’ll go parting to different paths and will not meet again. Just for this time.. I want to cry because I feel lonely and don’t want to be separated…

…4 months more to my departure back to my hometown.

Will you remember me someday? 11

 

 

I don’t want to leave this place

Hello! Today is hot and sunny

I feel sorry though for my reader because I only write about sad and anxious things. But yeah, it does help me to feel better and relaxed by writing…

So, you guys know that there’s “sponsor” in my life. This “sponsor” really helps me in my career, and my family’s life which in quite dire situation about money. Thanks to her support we still could stand on our feet although barely. This woman, my benefactor, is a really strong woman who could back up herself being a single mother and is all my reason to be a doctor, and specially an anesthesiologist.

Currently, I’m unemployed and being a fresh graduate doctor waiting for internship, there’s a pressure from my family to do something and making my free time productive. But to be honest I don’t want to.. I just want to enjoy my holiday, and because bureaucracy here and there is different I just felt that it will be pain in the ass to explain to them is not as easy at it is. I also felt like I’m not ready to take patient alone in a clinic and still need guidance on this matter. My stupid boyfriend is always busy all the time, always get angry whenever I bug him saying “That’s it?? You’re bugging me just to tell me about it??” I feel kinda depressed… There’s no one to talk about this matter. It’s just hard for me because I really want to go but I still need courage which comes from someone’s guidance but no one’s helping me.

There was also this time when I go back to my hometown to attend a symposium about the current medical knowledge. Actually, I felt really impressed by the content of the symposium. It was like an enlightenment towards the future comes onto me. Few days later, my benefactor ask me whether I want or not to attend the compulsory workshop in my hometown this year. (Compulsory workshop that you have to attend if you want to take anesthesiology as your subject). I said maybe later I would take it in my place (this island that I’ve told you in many of my previous blog) because it would be more comfortable for me, there are friends who are also attending and I know the instructor. It is also because the certificate only valid for 3 years. After this, if I want to go to my benefactor place, I would have to go through my internship first for a year, then go to my benefactor’s place to do apprenticeship, and then I have to work for a year because it is also the department’s requirement. But then I got scolded by her…

“Just do it here now. After you’re done with your internship you just hurry up and work in a clinic here. The future is here, not in the island you’re living on.”

I was.. shocked. Then my reply is “Yes, for now let me just check this workshops schedule with mine.. i will tell you later if I’ll go.. thank you very much..”

Those word… Really stuck on my mind even if it has been two weeks since then….

There was nobody to tell about this… There was nobody to consult about this thing… The truth is… I don’t want to leave this place.

6 years ago, when I arrive here, I thought I don’t like this place. It is underdeveloped compared to my hometown, the resident also have different mindset and attitude compared to my hometown. But as time goes on, I feel really comfortable here. I don’t have to run with all my might just to keep me alive like when I was in my hometown. I felt so many new experience here, learning to be an adult, having friends (I don’t have friend when I was in high school), and the most important thing is being myself without much expectation to fulfill. I love this island, I love the culture, the food, the people, and I also have someone whom I love here. If I go to my benefactor’s place I have to run with my might just to keep me in place. There’s also times spend on traffic jam and busy train, and whenever you are stressed and lonely, it’s hard to find a place to calm yourself like in here. The other reason is I have to fulfill the expectation to be my benefactor’s chosen person. My benefactor and my family always believe that I’m a smart girl. They don’t know that I push myself really hard to make that image. My family maybe know that, but despite they knew, they always thought like “I know you can do it if you try hard. You have more talent than this! Go for it!” To be honest I felt happy because they’re supporting me. But can I just be a normal average girl? Your really average girl, not in the top or the bottom of the list, to live peaceful and walking at my pace instead of chasing the future..

There’s also this thing.. I want to be by the side of my love… I want to support and be supported by him.. And if we get married soon, I want a warm family where my husband and my child together in the night after a hard work. I’m 25 now, and our relationship is honestly like, just waiting for the proposal. Is it wrong to think about what I want to do in the future since I’m an adult now…

But deep in my heart, I know, there is no future in this place… If I have to take my anesthesiology degree here, then I can’t work in this island as the rule of department stated (there is a surplus of anesthesiologist and senior first and blablabla). And I also thinks that… Maybe I just afraid to do a radical change towards a better future… An idealistic future which some people only dreaming to achieve…

still, to dream or to live… which one…

yeah, I’m a stupid one….

Alone

Maybe being alone makes it super scary….

I’m scared. I am scared without sonething to grab on. This is not my usual self, myself who just laugh off and smile after a difficult thing pass. This is the first time i felt so scared that i want to cry when the night comes.

Well praying does help abit… but my anxiety just not waring off…

I felt helpless in this big world alone

Exam

Good evening. I’m going to sleep after this

For the first time in my life, tomorrow, I will be taking an important examination without my family by my side. It’s kind of depressing and scary. I was about to break few times but I manage to control myself.

Everyone is supporting me and I’m glad for that. They’re praying, cheering, and reminding me about my activities. My parents, my aunt, and my dear boyfriend who cheers for me even though he himself is busy.

I’m scared. Very scared right now. But i feel better with all of your support. Maybe i cant fulfill your expectation and maybe i would fail in the exam. But i will do my best tomorrow for all the people who loves me and support me all the way

God. Mother Mary. Please show me your miracle…

Amen

 

 

 

Love

For the first time after ‘that time’ we have a chance to talk just the two of us… We talk about many different things, about our feelings, about what happened, memories, and also how’s our life now… He cried while saying sorry that I should be happy in my birthday but instead we’re talking about sad things. I laughed, saying it’s okay because this is the first time we ought to talk like this since that time, and we hugged together. We know that things will go hard after this, especially regarding his family. But I told him that it’s okay to lean to my support every time he need it… I rarely heard he says ‘I love you’. But that night, even though he didn’t say it I just heard it slowly inside my heart.. Through his touch, his gentle smile. his voice, he’s just my everything that I want to protect until my time ends and I just realize it after a long 6 years together. Darl, thank you for trusting me your heart… I’ll take care of you no matter what happens…

Rainy Birthday

Good evening. It’s raining almost everyday. By the way, happy birthday to me! Today is my 24th birthday and also the day my clerkship as medical student ends… It’s been a long 1 year and 8 months but also a short one.. Those days and those experience which makes me stronger and closer to become an adult.. There are happiness, tears, life, and death along the road. Every patient is giving us, the students, something that we can learn to strive toward the future. Thank you very much! Through the experience, I got to move one step closer to my dream. Thank you too to my dear parents, my aunt who inspires me and pulling me towards the bright path, and especially to my dear boyfriend who’s always be there for me no matter what happen… My wish for my 24th birthday is to make many more people smile, be it people I know, my family, or the patient who’ll come for me in the future. I also hope for my journey to be filled with happiness and love so I can spread it more to other people. God, thank you for the miracle that I can live until this day. I know that even when I was inside my mother’s womb, I was a miracle and by your blessing I came into this world. God, please bless my family so that they’ll be happy everyday until they come back to You… And also I pray that someday I’ll bring back those happiness that they already gave me…. Thank you very much!

Grown up love

I’m always the type of girl who dream big. Dreaming how I want to study as high as I can, free as I can, working, and being rich without being dependent to my man. But after seeing my boyfriend broke into tears because of the pressure but he still can’t cry freely because he doesn’t want to make his mother and little brother feel sad, I feel that.. a woman is still a woman no matter what. Somehow I feel inside my heart things like, it doesn’t matter how much I will reach as long I can be by his side and comforting him. And also thing like I don’t care that you’re a specialist or only general practitioner, even if you fell into depression I will still be beside him. When I told my mother about it she only laughed and said “You’ve really grown up.” I guess this is what people called ‘true love’, maybe? This different kind of ‘grown-up love’. If that’s the case I could sort of understand why did my mother left her potential career only to be with my father…

everything’s gonna be daijoubu… I’m sure… Honey, cheer up please. 🙂 I will still love you whatever happen so don’t cry anymore…

 

Random thoughts

Om, for me you are my second father… Na masih inget waktu kita ke jakarta bareng naik pesawat, ato tiap kali ngedate sama Edwin kemaleman pasti om nelepon ato wa. Kalo mobil Edwin baret dikit juga om katanya pasti marah. Pertama kali ketemu om kita pergi gereja bareng di katedral, setelah itupun tiap kali kita mau pergi makan bareng2 om juga sering yang nyetir jemput Na di kos. Kalo makan chinese food juga om lebih suka pake garpu dibanding pake sumpit… Om juga gapernah lupa ngundang2 Na tiap special day… Makasih juga selalu ngingetin Edwin kalo ada janji mau jemput orang tua Na, makasih juga oleh2nya kalo pergi ke luar kota selama ini… Om, buat Na yakiniku sekarang punya arti spesial karena itu kenangan yg terakhir pergi makan sama om… 5 tahun Na sendirian di Bali, kalau bukan karena om dan keluarga mungkin sampai saat ini kesepian banget rasanya… Mungkin Na selalu ngerepotin om dan keluarga selama ini, tapi Na mau bilang terima kasih buat segalanya.. Na masih ga nyangka itu pamitan yang terakhir sekaligus makan bareng yang terakhir sama om dan keluarga.. Na mungkin anak yang bandel n suka manja, tp Na janji pasti bakal jagain Edwin, Egi, Ivan, dan tante, dan kalo bisa syukur2 suatu hari nanti na bisa traktir mereka kaya om traktir na selama ini… Om, terus terang Na gatau harus ngomong apa waktu Edwin bilang kangen di WA sama om, ditanyain lagi di mana. Na juga gatau waktu Tante nangis harus bilang apa supaya tante merasa enakan. Na juga rasanya sakit banget waktu Edwin bilang mau bawa kertas hasil test PPDS kalo keterima ke kuburan buat ditunjukkin ke om… Coklat yang dibawain oleh2 ziarah juga belum Na makan sama sekali n skarang Na jd gamau makan sama sekali hahaha…..

Om, makasih banyak banyak banget…. Maaf Na ga sempet jenguk yg terakhir kmrn lusa…. Rest in peace om… Mudah2an suatu hari kita bisa ketemu lagi…..